I have a theory that all interpersonal conflict comes when one side decides to change the pattern.
We are creatures of habit, human beings. As much as we say that we like change or excitement, at our basest levels we seek consistency above all else. This is why we feel happier coming home from a vacation than we do when we leave. Home is our routine: we like to break from our routines, but only a little bit.
Our desire for consistency plays out in our relationships: when we fall in love with someone and we expect that person to always be the same person that we fell in love with. We make friends in college and we expect those people to be the same people ten years after college ends. And it works both ways: around those old friends, we revert to our own old selves, because that’s part of the deal. We want them to be consistent to our memory, and we try to be consistent to what they remember of us.
The problem is: we do change. You are happy taking the kids to soccer practice on Saturday until one day you aren’t happy about it. You are fine hanging out with your friends from college until you realize that all the cheap beer is making you fat and surly, and you don’t need a ping-pong ball to tell you when to drink.
The change isn’t the problem. The problem comes because we’re lousy at communicating those changes to others. We sit our old friends down and explain that we want to learn about wine or take a night class in Russian literature…we just stop showing up to the bar.
Conflict arises not because people change, but because people don’t acknowledge that they’ve changed. And the friends you left in the bar so you could read The Idiot have no idea why you’ve changed. How come we’re not good enough?
Not to go too far afield, but this is as true on a larger scale as it is on a one-on-one scale. Healthcare is a good example: why are so many Americans upset about healthcare passing? Isn’t it a good thing that sick people can see doctors? Objectively, that’s a positive, right? Insuring everyone is better than insuring almost everyone, right? None of us wants our kids to die because they don’t have insurance.
But…people are really angry about something. What are they angry about? I’d hazard that they’re angry because they are losing what is known for what is unknown. The anger comes because change carries uncertainty…we’d rather stick with the inefficient system than change it, and risk something that could be worse.
What made the healthcare discussion so rocky was the piss-poor job that our politicians and our media did in clearly communicating what the change would mean. Somehow, the people tasked with explaining things failed to explain anything.
Jeter and the Yankees
I have not been kind to Derek Jeter on this site. I don’t think that I have been unkind to him, either; I think that whatever criticisms I’ve made of him are valid, and I really hate that some people think it’s necessary to preface every criticism of Jeter with a caveat that he’s a terrific player. He is a terrific player: no one thinks otherwise.
I think, too, that Derek Jeter, as a player, will not be worth however much the Yankees eventually sign him for. The current contract is at $15 million, and I doubt he’ll be worth it. I think his skills will decline because he is getting old for a baseball player, and older baseball players decline. Jeter’s already old for a shortstop. I think that, if wins are the only thing that matters, the Yankees might be better off with a different shortstop.
But…if we consider Jeter and the Yankees as a relationship, it is very obvious that the Yankees are the ones behaving inconsistently. In the 16-year marriage between the Yankees organization and Derek Jeter, it’s the Yankees who suddenly want to change the rules.
Derek Jeter, for almost the entire time he’s been on the team, has maintained a staggering consistency in how he’s existed with that team. I’m not talking about his statistics (which are also, to be clear, very consistent). I’m talking about the intangible thing. He’s worn the Captains moniker almost since Year One, and he has never bitched about it or tried to get out from under it. He’s always accepted the role as the team leader, spokesperson, and icon. He has never lost his cool: he didn’t bitch when the Yankees signed A-Rod and he’s never thrown anyone under the bus when the Yankees have lost. He’s been a consummate professional: people link him with Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, and Mantle. In terms of that intangible quality of leadership, I think it is abundantly obvious that he has exceeded all of those guys.Babe Ruth was the greatest ever, but he was a colossal headache. Gehrig never wanted to be a leader; he shied away from the attention. DiMaggio was obsessed by it, but nobody on the team liked him. He was cold. Mickey Mantle was Ruth without the edges: he wanted to have a good time because he thought he was going to die.
Derek Jeter has had none of those problems. His teammates like and respect him, he’s polite to fans and the media, and he bears the crush of the New York media with a savvy that is, I think, unprecedented in American sports. He has done the job. It’s probably the toughest job in sports, being the guy on the Yankees. Jeter has handled it better than anyone else.
In return for being the face of the franchise, the Yankees have paid him handsomely. They have surrounded him with expensive talent and they have deferred to him a great deal: maybe Alex Rodriguez was a better defensive shortstop when he came to the Yankees, but they let Jeter keep the job. The message was clear: as long as you do your job, we’ll do ours.
Well: Jeter is still doing his job. He hasn’t changed. On the field and off Jeter did exactly what he always does: he came to the season ready to lead the Yankees to another World Series ring. He didn’t let the contract become an issue during the season. He played 157 games and was one of the better-hitting shortstops in the league. He helped the Yankees to the ALCS. He did his part, just like he always does. He’s been the same person to the Yankees that he’s always been.
Now the Yankees want to change the deal. After dolling out huge contracts to A-Rod, Posada, AJ Burnett, Mark Teixeira, and C.C. Sabathia, the Yankees suddenly have to tighten their purse strings? Suddenly, the guy who was their guy is expendable? The most Yankee of the Yankees, and the GM is inviting him to test the market?
I think Jeter is right to be upset. Actually, it’s amazing how level-headed he’s been through all of this. He is still being Derek Jeter: he’s still acting mature about this. He hasn’t bitched to the media about the Yankees disrespecting him, and he hasn’t threatened to go elsewhere. He is being a classy guy, which is how he’s always been.
He’s too classy to ask the obvious question, so I’ll ask it for him: if the Yankees want to tighten up their budget, why are they starting with him? And: why are they doing it so publically?
Look: I heartily encourage change: I think it’s great. Everyone should change. Some painter somewhere said that all men should change: if you’re born religious you should become an atheist. If you’re born an atheist, you should become religious. I like that. I think we should always be challenging ourselves.
But…we have an obligation to those around us. If we change, we need to communicate that change. We can take our Russian literature courses, but we should let our friends know where we are. The problem with the Yankees is that they’re off reading Dostoevsky, and they left Jeter in the bar. They won’t ever return his texts.
I want to be clear: there are very good reasons that the Yankees should break their habit of overpaying all of their players. I think, too, that the Yankees are wise in not wanting to give Jeter a long contract, because there is a very good chance that his abilities will decline going forward. Objectively, the Yankees are a) being fair to Jeter, and b) acting in the best interests of the team.
I am not against what the Yankees are doing. But my sympathy is with Jeter. He has been the exact same player that he has always been for the Yankees. Suddenly, it is not enough.
To those who have called Jeter greedy or spoiled; to those who say that he has tarnished his reputation, I ask this: what has Derek Jeter done that is in any way inconsistent to what he has always done? Where has he changed?
Because as far as I can tell, it’s the Yankees who are doing all of the changing.
Dave Fleming lives in Wellington, New Zealand. He welcomes questions, comments, and suggestions here and at dfleming1986@yahoo.com.