Former New York Yankee outfielder Roger Maris has apologized in a televised interview, broadcast early Wednesday morning on HVEN TV, for using eight extra games and expansion pitching to break the single-season home run record of previous record holder Babe Ruth.   Maris was interviewed by the sainted sportscaster Curt Gowdy in a studio just two miles inside the pearly gates late Tuesday afternoon.

            Maris, breaking into tears numerous times throughout the interview, acknowledged that he did in fact play 161 games in 1961, as many observers had insisted for years that he must have, and also that he did hit some home runs against pitchers who might not have been in the league were it not for expansion.

            “It was the worst thing I have ever done, and I am so ashamed,” Maris sobbed. 

            Asked by Gowdy why it has taken him 48 years to apologize, Maris said he was acting on the advice of his attorneys, and also expressed a desire to protect his family.   “I didn’t feel it was wrong at the time,” Maris said.    “Everybody else was using the eight extra games.   Why shouldn’t I?”

            Maris’ belated apology was immediately denounced by several snarky commentators, who felt that Maris must be insincere, since Maris suggested that he could have broken the record without the eight extra games and the expansion pitchers.   

            “Sure I could have,” Maris said.   “If you’ll look, you’ll see that I didn’t hit ANY home runs in 1961 in the first ten games of the season, so actually I hit the 61 homers in just 151 games.  The last 151.”

            “Everybody else in the league was hitting home runs off of Pete Burnside,” Maris said.   “I figured why shouldn’t I?   If any young hitter ever asked me about it, I would plead with them not to hit any home runs off of Pete Burnside or Ed Palmquist.    It’s just not worth it, what it does to your soul.”

            Maris also announced that he had called the widow of the late Babe Ruth, and apologized to them as well for outperforming the Bambino.

            “What did she say to you?” Gowdy asked? 

            “She asked if I could send along some Budweiser with the apology,” Maris responded.

            “She still regards her husband as the legitimate home run record holder,” Gowdy remarked.

            “She has every right to,” Maris responded. 

            Maris’ agent had requested that Howard Cosell do the interview, but Cosell could not be located, and it is suspected that he may be working for HVEN’s arch-rival HLL, the hottest network on the air.   

            In a related story, Babe Ruth has requested an interview, in which it is rumored that he will acknowledge using a corked bat for most of his career, taking advantage of outrageous favoritism from the umpires, and being an unworthy role model for America’s youth due to his widely reported drinking and whoring.    That interview is being delayed while Ruth tries to figure out who held the home run record before he did, as he needs to call somebody’s widow or children and apologize in vague, unintelligible terms.    Among the candidates for Ruth’s apology are the widows and descendants of  Gavy Cravath, Buck Freeman, Roger Connor and Ned Williamson.   If you know where any of these people can be located, please call 1-800-RAPTURE or contact Rick Warren personally with details.