Special Rules
1. Style points will be given both for laying rubber and for accelerating quickly without laying rubber.
2. All pit crews must wear ice skates and carry plastic clothes hangers.
3. Each style point will be equivalent to one MPH of speed sustained over a short-term burst of 7/10 of a second or longer and across a distance greater than 200 feet, unless somebody can figure out what this means, in which case we reserve the right to change or re-interpret this rule in mid-contest.
4. Try not to run over Dick Button; he’s had a hard life.
5. Style points will be given by the judges for
1) Stopping suddenly without fishtailing.
2) Lighting a pipe while driving over 125 miles per hour.
3) Rolling down your passenger’s side window with your right hand while fighting off an effort to pass you on the left.
4) Adjusting your rear-view mirror with a Swiss Army knife.
5) Technical excellence.
6. Latvian auto racers allowed to race with a Pomeranian hanging his head out the window to feel the wind, as is traditional is in Latvia.
7. Modest donation to Olympic cause required for each commercial sponsor.
8. Garage will be referred to as “Grand Olympic Automotive Aegean Repair Facility”.
9. All drivers must stop on the 47th lap and run across the track in front of the other cars.
10. Don’t ask why.
11. 47-point penalty for looking like you might ask why.
12. Engine blocks must be entirely constructed of re-cycled laptop computers.
13. All racers required to use the terms “Grandeur” and “Festival” in all pre-race and post-race interviews.
14. All cars required to display prominently the name of 19th-century Tibetan monk, Chequenunga Tuk, who invented NASCAR but had the idea stolen from him by evil Americans.
15. Style points will be deducted for
1) Taking your hands off the wheel,
2) Spitting out the window,
3) Forgetting your Swiss Army Knife,
4) Running over Dick Button, and
5) Discourteous driving.
16. Every third lap must depart track to use jumping ramps. Points awarded for air time—7 foot=4.2 miles per hour at 8 seconds.
17. Driver must scrub and wax jumping ramp after every jump.
18. All drivers required to make annual trek to pay homage to grave of Juan Antonio Samaranch.
19. If awarded medal, must be able to detach the steering wheel and carry it with you to the medal stand.
20. No driving too fast; somebody might get hurt.