The new CBA

December 14, 2016
 Top ten surprise provisions in new CBA:


1)  Arrows painted on the fields to remind hitters to run to first,

2)  New concussion protocol requires players to recite all the words to Bob Dylan’s "Baby Blue",

3)  Two tubes of Pringles in the clubhouse after every game,

4)  When player is traded for the first time, team must call his grandmother and apologize,

5)  Beginning in 2024, players with 5-and-10 rights no longer required to make West Coast road trips,

6)  Leagues must designate "ugly" umpires; players cannot be ejected for calling them ugly if they are on the list,

7)  Inspiring photos of Emily Ratajkowski in every dugout,

8)  First basemen and catchers must not ingest fish oil tablets before the game,

9)  Black and white image of Don Mincher to be painted on the left field wall at Target Field in Minnesota,

10)  Players released while on guaranteed contract must be given a pony.  



COMMENTS (23 Comments, most recent shown first)

Coincidentally, I recently bought a can of Pringles. About every two or three years the urge will hit me.

I can now attest that Cheeseburger-flavored Pringles bear no resemblance to a cheeseburger, sporting only a vaguely familiar scent of ketchup and mustard.

I see from my internet machine Pringles are now made by our good friends at Kelloggs. That's Kelloggs of Battle Creek.
4:14 PM Dec 18th
mweddell: thank you for calling out 337 on his political incorrectness. His reign of terror must end.​
3:25 PM Dec 18th
Pringles are a microaggression.
3:21 PM Dec 18th
There was no bikini calendar. I made it up by way of comparison between Bill James and Emily Ratajkowski, amusing myself and, theoretically, others with the idea of Bill posing for a bikini calendar.

I regret the misinformation and confusion I've sown, but this is the comedic path I've chosen.​
10:24 AM Dec 16th
What bikini calendar is John Pontoon talking about? Is this some kind of fake news report?
7:23 AM Dec 16th
The grandmother thing -- a subtle reference to Jeff Bagwell?
5:36 PM Dec 15th
I always liked Don.
4:47 PM Dec 15th
Another thing about Emily, besides her being super hot: She went very strong for Bernie Sanders; she is a woman of, and for, the People!
3:04 PM Dec 15th
Marc Schneider
The union botched it. They should have had a provision for Emily to periodically take showers in the locker room after games. I think that would have been great for raising team morale.
11:40 AM Dec 15th
Hey raincheck - the pony thing isn't all that new. It was part of every contract way back in the Players League. Likewise the Players League required every dugout to have a large portrait of a Gibson Girl. There's nothing new under the sun.
11:14 AM Dec 15th
At last - the late, great Don Mincher will receive the glory he's always deserved. Also probably some line drives off his face.
10:41 AM Dec 15th
Some of these new provisions surprised me. But wasn't the pony always there? I thought it was one of Marvin Miller's non-negotiables.
8:47 AM Dec 15th
Someone omits half a song title and 337 accuses the person of suffering from brain damage? Leave the humor at home, if that's your idea of a good joke.
7:52 AM Dec 15th
Mr. James, I respect you too much to soft-pedal my opinions. Your bikini calendar was, at best, ill-considered.​
7:51 AM Dec 15th
Who eats Pringles? Why do they still make them?
2:18 AM Dec 15th
That's at least two times since 1980 that you have mentioned pringles...maybe you could make some extra bucks as a spokesperson in some of their tv ads.
1:04 AM Dec 15th
I'd have gone with "Subterranean Homesick Blues," at the speed of the song as recorded.
11:24 PM Dec 14th
I thought no. 4 was very cute.

There: now grandmothers received equal attention as Ratajowski.

9:49 PM Dec 14th
I labored for probably 10 minutes on this article, and Emily Ratajkowski gets all the glory.
8:22 PM Dec 14th
Fun Fact! I was at UCLA at the same time as Emily Ratajkowski and I...didn't cross paths with her in even the most tertiary fashion. Which is why I'm commenting here instead of eating shrimp cocktail poolside at the Chateau Marmont.
7:23 PM Dec 14th
I had to look up Emily Ratajkowski - thanks for that.
6:00 PM Dec 14th
It's about time. These all seem like common sense concessions that should have been granted long ago.
5:44 PM Dec 14th
What if their grandmother is a fan of the team they were traded to?

I'm from Kansas City and my grandmother is from St Louis.

She was extremely happy about the Mark Littell / Al Hrabosky trade.

5:23 PM Dec 14th
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